Dear God,

What was I supposed to learn today?  What was the point of today’s race to pack bags and start our trek across Florida?  Did you want to see how fast I could gather my belongings?  Did you want to see how fast mom could walk up a flight of stairs to tell me Tampa General Hospital Transplant Unit was calling for me?  Did you want to see me cry for the 40 -year- old man who died way too soon?  Were you testing my theory that all good things in my life eventually shatter?  Well, for the record, I really like this guy I am seeing,  so unless you are giving me your blessing, please leave that relationship alone.

I am trying so hard not to lose my faith in you but you are making it very difficult.  Remember about 20 years ago when I was married to that abusive man and I go t really sick?  Even back then I asked you what I was supposed to learn from what I was going through.  OK, OK…you are right…I learned what that lesson was about, and I spent years of my life working with children who suffered from anxiety and did my best to help them through it.

I have tried so hard to be a good person and do the right thing.  I know I curse a lot and I would apologize for that but I feel that I use it with justification.  Do I not pray enough?  Should I call Rabbi Amy more often?  What is it that you want me to do?  I live my life with such anxiety that I struggled to enjoy the life you gave me.

So, a few hours have passed and I am revisiting this letter.  I am not deleting the previous comments because they are real, raw feelings. But I have had time to think and I have had a lot of people reach out to me.  If there is one thing I know for sure, I am definitely loved here on earth.  The messages of love, hope and encouragement are what keep me going.  Kiley keeps me going.  Thank you for her!!   

God, I want so badly to believe in you! So, I am going to go to sleep tonight next to my niece knowing that someone out there received a kidney today!  And like my friend Lisa said, that person needed it more than me and my time will come.