Dear God,

What was I supposed to learn today?  What was the point of today’s race to pack bags and start our trek across Florida?  Did you want to see how fast I could gather my belongings?  Did you want to see how fast mom could walk up a flight of stairs to tell me Tampa General Hospital Transplant Unit was calling for me?  Did you want to see me cry for the 40 -year- old man who died way too soon?  Were you testing my theory that all good things in my life eventually shatter?  Well, for the record, I really like this guy I am seeing,  so unless you are giving me your blessing, please leave that relationship alone.

I am trying so hard not to lose my faith in you but you are making it very difficult.  Remember about 20 years ago when I was married to that abusive man and I go t really sick?  Even back then I asked you what I was supposed to learn from what I was going through.  OK, OK…you are right…I learned what that lesson was about, and I spent years of my life working with children who suffered from anxiety and did my best to help them through it.

I have tried so hard to be a good person and do the right thing.  I know I curse a lot and I would apologize for that but I feel that I use it with justification.  Do I not pray enough?  Should I call Rabbi Amy more often?  What is it that you want me to do?  I live my life with such anxiety that I struggled to enjoy the life you gave me.

So, a few hours have passed and I am revisiting this letter.  I am not deleting the previous comments because they are real, raw feelings. But I have had time to think and I have had a lot of people reach out to me.  If there is one thing I know for sure, I am definitely loved here on earth.  The messages of love, hope and encouragement are what keep me going.  Kiley keeps me going.  Thank you for her!!   

God, I want so badly to believe in you! So, I am going to go to sleep tonight next to my niece knowing that someone out there received a kidney today!  And like my friend Lisa said, that person needed it more than me and my time will come.

Author: StacyNeedsAKidney

I need a kidney in order to live!

2 thoughts on “Dear God,”

  1. Oh Dear Stacy! I so felt your disappointment and your hurt. It’s good for you to “release” these emotions to us and let it all out, so to speak. You do have many people who love you and pray for you daily…I am one. It is always said (to me)…just wait…it’s all in God’s time. Very difficult, I know.
    Stay strong and don’t give up!!
    Love, Sheila🥰

    Like

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