Dear God,

What was I supposed to learn today?  What was the point of today‚Äôs race to pack bags and start our trek across Florida?  Did you want to see how fast I could gather my belongings?  Did you want to see how fast mom could walk up a flight of stairs to tell me Tampa General Hospital Transplant Unit was calling for me?  Did you want to see me cry for the 40 -year- old man who died way too soon?  Were you testing my theory that all good things in my life eventually shatter?  Well, for the record, I really like this guy I am seeing,  so unless you are giving me your blessing, please leave that relationship alone.

I am trying so hard not to lose my faith in you but you are making it very difficult.  Remember about 20 years ago when I was married to that abusive man and I go t really sick?  Even back then I asked you what I was supposed to learn from what I was going through.  OK, OK…you are right…I learned what that lesson was about, and I spent years of my life working with children who suffered from anxiety and did my best to help them through it.

I have tried so hard to be a good person and do the right thing.  I know I curse a lot and I would apologize for that but I feel that I use it with justification.  Do I not pray enough?  Should I call Rabbi Amy more often?  What is it that you want me to do?  I live my life with such anxiety that I struggled to enjoy the life you gave me.

So, a few hours have passed and I am revisiting this letter.  I am not deleting the previous comments because they are real, raw feelings. But I have had time to think and I have had a lot of people reach out to me.  If there is one thing I know for sure, I am definitely loved here on earth.  The messages of love, hope and encouragement are what keep me going.  Kiley keeps me going.  Thank you for her!!   

God, I want so badly to believe in you! So, I am going to go to sleep tonight next to my niece knowing that someone out there received a kidney today!  And like my friend Lisa said, that person needed it more than me and my time will come.

Thank You Netflix

COVID-19 continues to rear its ugly face. Stores and restaurants continue to open and more and more people are out and about, some wearing masks while others choose not to. I am still basically under quarantine due to kidney disease and a compromised immune system. I am ok with that because I am quarantined with my parents. At first, I thought, OY I am quarantined with my parents, but as time went on, I thought, I am quarantined with my parents, and I am blessed with the time we get to spend together. Although I wish my Dad had more work right now, I am enjoying the time I get to spend with him.

A couple of weeks ago my parents and I started watching Schitt’s Creek on Netflix. It became a nightly routine. After dinner, we would watch 2-3 episodes, and then I would go upstairs to sleep. If they wanted to continue watching tv they would watch something else. Never would we watch an episode unless we were all watching together.

We watched 5 seasons of Schitt’s Creek within a matter of a few weeks, and once it was over, my Dad would sit at the dinner table talking about how he missed the Rose family. I couldn’t help but be reminded of the days Katie and I binged watched desperate housewives and talked of Bree, Gabrielle, Lynette, and Susan as if they were our friends. I understood his feeling of loss and the desire to know what would come next for the wacky, loveable Rose Family. Fortunately for us, there is a season 6, it just has not come to Netflix yet.

So, until we are able to join the Rose’s we decided to watch another series, Hart of Dixie, where we were introduced to the intelligent, gossiping, busy-body Dr. Zoe Hart. We continued watching a few episodes each night but then something strange happened. We began watching episodes during the day as well. My parents and I would synchronize our schedules so that we would all finish work and errands in a timely matter to meet up and begin our Hart of Dixie marathon.

It was during these Netflix series that I was able to be in the moment with my parents. I began to notice that I really am like my mom. We would laugh at the same scenes, awe at the same moments, and even our hand gestures appeared at the same time. That observation alone made me laugh. It made me feel closer to my mother.

The best part was the reactions they had to characters on the shows. My parents had so many of the same attributes but they couldn’t see it. I loved Zoe’s mom because she reminded me of my own mother, yet my own mother could not see the resemblance. I enjoyed seeing all of us come out in the characters and the plots of these shows. Thank you to Netflix for making them so relatable.

The big question is, what will we watch next? Which family will suck us into their trials and tribulations? It honestly doesn’t matter as long as we watch it together.