Where Do I Begin

I have started this entry a dozen times.  I keep deleting what I write because words escape me right now.  I have so much I want to say but don’t know how to organize my thoughts.  I am scared and I am anxious and I am angry and I am confused.  How is something like this happening during our lifetime?  I walk outside and the neighborhood is a ghost town.  In the distance I see people walking two-by-two. 

I sit in the house.  I don’t go anywhere because my immune system is compromised.   I keep checking my temperature and it varies from 99.9 to 99.2 . The doctors  say it is from the transfusion I recently had but  I fear that I will have a fever and not be able to get dialysis.  

So, I try to occupy my time.  How about a puzzle?  I started it three days ago and finally finished it.  I am puzzle number two and our neighbor, Debbie,  just dropped off four more.     A walk?  Sure,  a walk will do me some good.  Sit on the lanai?  Yes, its peaceful out there.  I can read my book, “Finding God”.  A little ironic for the times.  

Today, my sister Julie came over with Kiley.  We were only allowed to be outside.  Julie did not want to enter the house just to be safe.  We found an outside scavenger hunt that Kiley and  I could do.  That took us about an hour and then we went out back to the lanai and we took turns reading her book.  It was definitely lighter than my choice in genre.  Mom and Dad wake up and we have breakfast outside.  Yes, scavenger hunt, walk, and story time all before noon.

Now a few days have passed and I have not posted this entry.  I didn’t want to be a Negative Nellie but things just continue to suck.  My Mom’s cousin passed away this week and we also lost a very dear friend.  Neither deaths were due to the Coronavirus but that is neither here nor there….we still lost them.  I can’t stop thinking about all of the celebrations and family events that have been held in my lifetime.  Things used to seem so easy, no worries at all.  WOW, have things changed.  

This pandemic is so messed up,  I have a hard time wrapping my head around it.  I continue to go to dialysis every other day but the thought of a transplant seems so distant right now.  It seems so unimportant to me.  I barely think about it.  What I do think about are the kidney patients who received the call a few weeks ago that a kidney was available and then they were sent home due to the virus.  I hate that!  

This virus is so much larger than any of us and it scares me.  I think about my friends and family in New York and other parts of the country and find myself reaching out to them to make sure they are safe.  I saw a post the other day on Facebook that really hit me.  My friend Jen wrote about looking for the little things amongst this chaos.  So I try to follow her advice…. Dad was able to put two pieces of the puzzle together and then walked away. It was too much for him.  Mom finding something to clean or fix around the house every day so far. And then, when she finally sits down on the couch I find myself watching her as she closes her eyes to rest.   I find myself just looking at them a lot.  Watching Dad make shrimp salad.  Thankful they are here. 

I am grateful for the memes about homeschooling and the posts about appreciating teachers.  I am grateful for all of the people risking their lives to help others.  I think about my friend Rachel and pray she stays safe as she works the front lines in the hospital.  I appreciate my favorite children’s author, Patricia Polacco and all the other authors and celebrities who post on Facebook.  I appreciate you for taking the time to read my blog.  Please leave a message this time.  Let me know you are out there and that you are ok.  Tell me something  good that you have found in all of this chaos.  I would love to hear from you!!  

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Author: StacyNeedsAKidney

I need a kidney in order to live!

17 thoughts on “Where Do I Begin”

    1. I always love reading your blog… I don’t love that you have another piece to your puzzle 🧩 as if it wasn’t / isn’t hard enough on you . That being said, please keep writing… I wish you would publish a book!! I love you and your attitude ❤️

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  1. Your writings are universal even though personal – we all have many feelings in a day of surviving this situation and our own individual crosses. We know we are alive though because we feel and where there is life, there is hope. Love you – Rita

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  2. Good message. I think about people like you and my mother-in-law who should not go out due to a compromised immune system. It is difficult. Them I hear about families who are now sitting down and having meals together. Two weeks ago they were not.

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    1. Hope,
      Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It is such a difficult time for all and I just hope that people read my message and can make a connection so they know they are not alone! I miss you and the rest of the staff. Please stay safe!

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  3. What a sad time…but we must believe that there is a purpose for this struggle. Let’s continue to care for one another and try to stay positive.

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  4. This pandemic is like nothing any of us has ever experienced and I hope after it is all over, we will never experience anything like it again. I know that my own anxiety is through the roof – I can only imagine how you and other folks with compromised immune systems must feel – thank you for sharing your story. I pray for your health and for an answer to your situation. Sending xoxox.

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    1. Brenda,
      I am so glad that you responded and shared your thoughts. I can definitely empathize with your feelings of anxiety and will one day write an entry just on that topic. I pray that you and your family stay safe and healthy. XOXO

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  5. Getting to sit together and have breakfast. Less than a month ago – feels like forever and like yesterday. ❤️

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  6. Another beautifully written thing by you! There are so many unknowns out there,which I think is always the hardest part 😦 I pray for you everyday and I pray you find answers! I’m so grateful that you have such great family and friends by your side! Even though you have so many things going on in your own life I love that you find time to blog and share your story with others! You are truly an inspiration!

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